-Aristotle
Goodbye youth, hello middle age. Goodbye invincibility, hello vulnerability.
Tuesday marked my passage into the 42nd year of my life. I rang it in with little fanfare. I just wanted to keep to myself. I have been troubled by back issues off and on during the past few years and they have gotten to the point where the pain has been chronic and even regular massages have not been helping. This should not be.
I'm 42, for fuck's sake, not 82!
So, last week I went to the doctor and got examined, and they recommended that I get some X-rays done. I was happy. Yes, they were prescribing me the usual cocktail of muscle relaxers and painkillers, but X-rays could tell the story of what was going on, and I wanted answers. Stop pumping drugs into me and stop turning me into a junkie. Give me answers. So, yesterday morning I had X-rays done and was told a doctor would be in touch with me. I went back home and decided to lay on the couch and watch American Crime Story: The People Vs. OJ Simpson on Netflix.
It was turning into a pretty depressing day, but then I thought, it is my birthday. I should go somewhere that I can give thanks to the Lord for letting me have 42 years of life, a wife, a daughter, great friends and family, and musical talent. It is also raining, and I felt like getting wet like I used to do as a child. So, I went down to Emmitsburg, Maryland and prayed at the grotto in the rain like I enjoy doing when I get the chance. Nothing like feeling the rain on your face as you give your sufferings to God.
After that, back home to await the verdict.
A few hours, later, my phone rang, and it was the doctor from my family practice with a verdict:
Degenerative Disc Disease. Well, that answers a lot of questions, and I was happy to learn the truth.
I thank the Lord for finally answering a few years of questions and curing a mountain of anxiety. However, of course, me being who I am and the curse of having the mental ilness of anxiety/depression, new ones are creeping in. Should I go through the possibly excruciating pain of physical therapy, or cure everything in one fell swoop by going under the knife?
Unlike former Chicago Bears All-Pro Dan Hampton, pain is not my friend. We don't get along very well. Give me a little bit of pain and I want to weep like a baby. In the last few months, the back and neck issues are chronic. Every day. I want to lay down all the time. No energy. Sitting behind the drumkit was something I used to enjoy, now I dread it because I am in pain after only a few minutes of playing. I cannot live like this. I don't want my family having to put up with a slug who can't be active because of this, and I don't want my musical career to end.
My doctor gave me two choices: physical therapy or an orthopedic surgeon.
Surgery should always be a last resort, no doubt. However, if a condition is "degenerative", that means it will continue to get worse over time unless action is taken to slow it down and/or stop it, right? I have lots of questions about the benefits of physical therapy because exercising an area that is in severe pain does not seem very smart. It's almost like trying to heal a cut on your arm by making the cut deeper. Also, while it might most definitely help muscles and joints, it's not going to help my bones, which is where the problems seem to be. So, no doubt about it, any physical therapist I have will be getting lots and lots of questions from me. I am not looking forward to being stretched to my breaking point and probably being in even more pain.
Sidebar: I was getting into exercising regularly a year or so ago, but these back issues that were just creeping in along with some knee problems kept me from fully realizing any goals from working out. Plus, I found that I was in the "p" word a lot: PAIN. I do not like pain. I am not a masochist. Like Aristotle said, the wise avoid pain. I do not claim to be wise, but pain is not something I like being in. There are many things I avoid just to keep from possibly going through some kind of pain, emotional or physical.
So, dear people, do not criticize me too vehemently. I try to think logically. Follow me:
I walk down a country road. A car is coming. The car could hit me and kill me. I move out of the way.
I'm walking in a big city. An angry mob throwing rocks and bottles is coming up one end of the street I am walking on. I run the other way.
I step outside my house. It's cold. I put on a jacket.
So, how does working out a part of the body that is in pain and putting it in even more pain help it become healthier and stronger? As Mr. Spock would say, "it is not logical". It's like telling someone to avoid a left hook by leaning in to it, or hit a home run by not swinging the bat, or win a race by finishing last.
Yet, surgery concerns me a lot as well. There is always the possibility of something going wrong and ending up paralyzed. Then, there is the recovery time if it is successful as I cannot be on the shelf too long. I have a family, a job, and a band that needs me. Also, it seems like whenever you have a surgery done on a problem area, it is not your last. For an athlete, a knee surgery or a back surgery is usually the first of many.
Confession: I've always hated sitting up straight as I have found it uncomfortable. It's always been more comfortable for me to recline. Even seeing someone sit bolt-upright causes me to wince in pain. You're not in school, you're not in the army, you're not at work. Relax.
I spoke to my doctor a little bit ago and asked to be scheduled with a physical therapist, yet I will have a plethora of questions for him/her, not because I doubt their expertise, but because it doesn't seem logical to fix pain with more pain. One thing I do know, is that more pills is not an option. Opiod addiction is a death spiral for many and I will not go down that rabbit hole. I just want to be free of the pain and have confidence again that my back can hold up to carrying Lily on my shoulders, or playing softball, or playing a 2 hour gig.
I'm 42, for fuck's sake, not 82.
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