The more I trust, the harder it becomes...

"I'm breaking inside
My head's above the water but I just can't fight the tide
Till the pressure subsides"
Threshold-"Pressure"

Can't hide it anymore. I can sit here and pretend everything is OK because no one likes to hear negativity, but that is dishonest.

All truth, all the time.

Well, dishonesty does not live here. Honesty will always be on display when I write, because that is the way I like it. I have no room for dishonesty in my life. That is why you must accept me, warts and all, because that is who I am. Rest assured I will give you that same courtesy.


I do my best to come into work everyday with a positive outlook and a plan on how to tackle all of the tasks before me.


Yet, by the end of the day, I leave work with a "thousand yard stare" on my face like a soldier who has seen too much senseless slaughter. I lose all ability to care or to feel.


Yes, my personal life is wonderful. My family is wonderful. My musical career is wonderful. I am growing closer to God, and that is wonderful. I am a blessed man and I cannot stop saying that. Yet, that doesn't mean that I have to smile every single second of the day. When weight keeps piling up on your shoulders, unless you are Atlas, chances are your knees are going to buckle every now and then.


Oddly enough, this always seems to start happening to me when I make a concerted effort to try and put God first in my life.


Challenges arise, and I do my best to handle them with grace and poise, whilst I keep reminding myself that He won't give me anything that I can't handle. The cross gets heavier and heavier, but I don't have Simon the Cyrenian to help me carry it. After a while, it wears on you. Soon, you want to just give up and put the cross down. It's much easier to walk without that heavy piece of wood to carry on your shoulders.

Even when things suck, I have to remember this

So many good things are happening in my church life now that I am doing my best to put God first. My daughter Lily is about to have her first Holy Communion. I'm getting more involved by volunteering to be a catechist for religious education. I'm starting to feel more at home at a parish I never thought I would feel comfortable at. This is all a wonderful thing and I praise God for it and thank Him for it. I've finally found my niche. (You can read more about it in a previous entry that can be found on this blog)


I keep telling myself that this is going to make things easier to manage and easier to shrug off, and roll with the punches. If anything, it has made the punches hurt a little worse. All of this seems to counter what our Lord said in St. Matthew's gospel: “Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for yourselves. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light.”


I am weary and I do labor, and I come to Him for rest in the spirit. Yet, the challenges at my labor become harder and harder instead of lighter and lighter. Is our Lord speaking in oxymoronic terms?
That verse from Matthew has always been a challenge for me. The more I trust in Him it seems the more gets thrown at me. The better things become in my spiritual life, the worse things become in my professional life. Why is that?


I believe I know why. I have a theory that when you try to do your best to put God first in your life, the evil one does his best to try and make you fail at it. He throws everything at you to make you want to give up and despair. He wants you in misery. He wants you to fail. He's got his gun loaded and he has you in his sights. The evil one is targeting your soul and your happiness.


As I write this, I stare over at the crucifix that is sitting on my desk, and I want to say "Lord, you know I love you. Why does this keep happening? Why do things continue to get harder and harder in my professional life? I'm trying my best to serve you now and be a good disciple." Then, I tell myself "I'm telling this to a guy hanging from a cross. He dealt with much more than I ever will". I know He hears all of my complaints and all of my challenges. He probably facepalms a lot as well! Yet, that doesn't mean that it becomes any easier to deal with.


I think I know what I am supposed to do and that is continue to persevere. Maybe I can try to dig into being spiritually stronger at work. I just hope it doesn't make things even more difficult, because as I said earlier, the more I try to be more spiritually active and involved, the more challenging it becomes.


One thing I do know is, that service and becoming closer to God is bringing me an immense sense of accomplishment and joy.