Rainy Day Remembering...

"If the rain comes
They run and hide their heads
They might as well be dead
If the rain comes
If the rain comes"
The Beatles-"Rain"


After reading this entry, you may find me strange.


You may find me contradictory.


Frankly, my dears, I don't give a damn.


I detest the rain when it is cold, murky, and windy. When a winter refuses to release its grip on us, like it is this year, rainy days usually compound any feelings of anxiety and depression I have. It makes me long for the spring, for the April Showers we are supposed to have which help bring about new life and a new beginning.

...unless it is 2018 in Pennsylvania

April showers bring May flowers. That is what is supposed to happen each and every spring. Rain is not supposed to bring despair, but renew the land.


I remember a friend I had as a small child who's name was April. I don't remember much about her other than we were friends enough that I was invited to a birthday party she had. She moved away when I was still in kindergarten or first grade, but learning her name and the month of April helped me remember the old saying in my early school days. April showers bring May flowers. I think her old house is still standing on North Second Street in Wormleysburg.


I digress so much it should be an art form. Oh yes, rain.


Why is it that a certain meteorological phenomena causes me both severe bouts of the down-in-the-dumps, and also memories that I will always hold close to me? One of my first good memories I mentioned briefly in my previous entry about growing up in Wormleysburg. That good memory was my first day of 1st grade.


There is a picture of me from that day that survives somewhere. I am not sure if I have it, or if my mother does. I have not seen it in years. Yet, there are certain details that stick out to me. One detail, was that it was a rainy day. I remember being very excited for this day and being very optimistic. It was the first day of a new school year. In later years, it was a cause of panic and terror. In this first year, it was a new beginning. New life. New places to see. It was raining. Looking back, I believe that God himself had lowered his hand to cleanse the Earth of the former school year and to make it clean for a new school year to take hold. The rain was washing the ground to pave the way for a new start. First grade.


When you are a child, you don't want to burden yourself with an umbrella. Too much to carry. My mother had bought me a yellow rain slicker with a Smurf on it, sitting on a cloud, to keep me dry on that rainy first day. I remember that I loved it because it had a Smurf on it, and I was a massive Smurf fanatic at that age. Other than that, it looked like the classic style donned by Gene Kelly in Singing In The Rain. Instead of a zipper, it had those metal buckle-type fasteners. I remember also thinking that those fasteners were kind of neat. The inquisitiveness of child's mind, finding fasteners on a jacket interesting.


Despite the rain, I recall it being a pleasant day. Maybe I am coloring it a little bit, but I'm amazed I remember this much almost 36 years on! I remember my mom with her umbrella raised and me walking along happily in my yellow jacket. The rain drops would hit my face gently and I felt the pitter-patter of the drops hitting my shoulders and rolling off, leaving slight trails as they rolled away. It was raining, but I was happy! I was going to go to a new school for the first time. Once again, I think God was washing me clean to prepare me for a new year. Of course, that wasn't on my mind as I joined my similarly attired neighborhood kids at the bus stop. I was probably thinking "hey gang!" Now, as a 41 year old, and a man who believes in God, I think that is what He was doing for me, my fellow kids, and the Earth on that day. Wash away the old, prepare for the new.


Herman Avenue Elementary School in Lemoyne, PA. That was where I went for grades 1 through 3. Mrs. Scarlato was my teacher in first grade. I remember her telling me how adorable I looked. I adored her. I wonder what happened to all of my old teachers from elementary school. Probably all either retired or passed away now.


When we were young, we wanted to ignore our parents and play in the rain anyway. We wanted to splash in puddles and have fun. Nothing was to stop us from making the most of any day, even a rainy spring or summer one. I think our colorful rain gear represented that fact. Yellow, light blue, light green, pink, and purple. Colors that say "we are going to have fun, even if it is raining". The optimism of children represented in bright colors that we donned almost in anticipation of the rainbow that we hoped would follow. That optimism goes away with age, and the dour colors of our trench coats and umbrellas that we don on rainy days on the way into the office kind of represents that loss of innocence and optimism. Bright yellows, blues, and pinks are replaced by depressing brown and black. When we once tossed our slickers and wellies on to go outside and splash around like ducks, we now don our boring brown trench coats and slog on off to the office. As a child, a rainy day could still be seen as fun. As an adult, it is a sentence to another miserable day as a cog in the machine.

Rainy days as a child, full of carefree puddle splashing and fun



Rainy days as an adult, full of pressure and stress

Maybe that is why rainy days depress me so anymore. Instead of splashing in puddles with my neighborhood buddies like I did at the age of 6, we have to spend them in the office, taking orders from some schnook. It also doesn't help that the rejuvenating spring rains have not started falling yet. We still have the cold and raw winter rains, which serve no purpose other than to make mud and mire. Today is another one of those days.


Happy rainy days are less existent when adulthood hits. If you start acting like a child, people start to laugh at you or want to call the police. You are a part of the herd...act like it! Don't walk in the rain. Don't splash in the puddles. Don't dance like you don't care. Be a cog in the machine. Your childhood days are done. Fun is an illusion.

Yet, twice in the last couple years, I had a couple moments that made me feel like I did that first day of school all over again. Moments of reflection. Moments of closeness to God.


The first time, I was driving down to Maryland to perform an odd combination of things: make a small pilgrimage to the Shrine of the Grotto of Lourdes at Mount St. Mary's University in Emmittsburg, and then drive to Baltimore for a metal show. Two actions normally not mentioned in the same sentence. In fact, I don't think they have ever been mentioned in a sentence together before! A bad thunderstorm came through the area on my drive down to the Grotto. I remember stopping at a gas station for a refreshment and heard a tornado warning was in the area, so I got back in my car and drove down the Emmittsburg Road to get south of the dangerous storm and out of its path. After driving through a torrential downpour, I made it to the Grotto. By then, the rain had tapered down to a nice shower, so I decided to get out and walk to the Grotto after donning a rain jacket I had stowed in the trunk in case I needed it.


Suitably attired, I prayed the Stations of the Cross and the rosary while the rain came down. The area of the Grotto never looked more beautiful than it did on that day. Everything looked as if God had washed it clean. The leaves glistened on the trees. The sound of the creek and the sound of the rain pattering off of the leaves on the trees created a pleasing serenade for the ears. I felt the drops on my face and saw the rivulets roll down my sleeves. God was also washing me clean. In those moments, I felt that no only was the Earth around me being renewed, but I was being renewed. I felt like I was being baptized all over again. My sins were being purged and my spirit was being awakened. I continued to walk around the grounds with a huge smile on my face and child-like innocence in my heart. I felt almost like the way I did on my first day of school all those years ago. It was a happy rainy day. A year after that, I got to experience a similar day at the Grotto. It was another faith awakening experience. I even remember just taking a moment to stand there, to be silent, and listen to all the sounds, to feel the healing waters of heaven fall upon me.

Picture I took of my rosary at the Grotto spring

I don't think I ever felt more at peace with God, or with myself. I left there wishing I could bottle that feeling and drink it up on days where my faith was tested and my anxieties made me weak.

On a day like today, I tend to forget about those happy memories. Instead of a pleasant show for the senses and the spirit, I get a chill breeze in my face and numb feet. I get a spirit that is crushed instead of a spirit that is invigorated. It is time for that to end. It is time for God to tell Mother Nature to stop fooling around and give us our proper April showers, instead of cold December drizzles. I want to appreciate the spring rains again. I want to savor the summer showers again. For a moment, I want to be the 6-year old me walking to school in his yellow Smurf rain jacket and splashing around with his friends when the day is done. I want to walk and pray in the rain like I did on those days at the Grotto. It is not just precipitation, it is God helping to wash the world and our spirits clean and call forth new hope and new life.


My prayer for today is for more chances to experience that innocence and peace once again. My prayer for you all is to also have the same. Don't be afraid to walk or dance in the spring showers once they come, because the sun comes out afterwards that will bring forth a rainbow to a new beginning.