There's just a song in all the trouble and the strife
You do the walk, yeah, you do the walk of life
You do the walk of life"
Dire Straits- "Walk of Life"
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| People registering for the walk |
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| After a slow start, participants began to roll in |
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| During the walk (all photos are my own) |
This year, it was time to take 20 years of sorrow and try putting it into action.
Anyone who knows me well is quite familiar with my struggles caused by the emotional trauma of my dad's suicide in 1998. The anxiety, depression, and fear of losing everything and everyone around me that was exacerbated by this incident has left a scar on my heart and my mind that may never heal. So, I won't go into details here. For years, I felt alone as if no one understood what I was going through. People who love and care about me would say to me things like "Learn to let go", "It's not your fault", "Time heals all wounds", "You need to forget about this". Please know, I am not upset at anyone for telling things like that to me. Y'all were just trying to help me feel better and heal and I appreciate that! However, unless you have seen what I have seen and dealt with, or went through this yourself, it is VERY hard to understand what is going on inside my mind and my heart. Therapy has helped, but it is not a cure. Medication has helped, but it is not a remedy. There are many times I still feel alone and misunderstood. I wondered if people like me, who lost a loved one to suicide, or struggle with depression and have attempted suicide themselves, have a voice.
Then I found out about the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.
The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) is a voluntary health organization founded in 1987 by a group of families who joined with scientists to establish a source of support for suicide research and education. AFSP is now the largest private funder of suicide prevention research. It is headquartered in New York, with an office in Washington, D.C. AFSP has chapters in all 50 states, leading the charge in education, advocacy, research and support. One of their fundraising events are the "Out Of The Darkness" walks, and two took place in Central PA in September; one in Harrisburg, and last Saturday in Carlisle.
Finding out about this organization was a revelation. It was a realization that I was not alone. I knew that there were others out there who suffered because of the suicide of someone in their lives be it family, friend, co-worker or comrade in arms. I knew there are people out there who struggle with
their own demons. When you have a mind that is racked with anxieties, depression, and worry, you have no idea what could send you over the edge or what small trigger could make you decide to take your own life. It is a difficult thing to live with, and chances are even the closest people to you in your life will have trouble understanding what you go through. You sometimes feel like screaming out loud "DOES ANYONE UNDERSTAND?". You take out your anger on your friends and family because you don't know any better and you are frustrated. With an organization like AFSP, you don't have to feel alone. One way or another, you will meet someone who will understand the pain you are going through and is willing to share their story.
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| Tribute ceremony before the start of the walk |
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| During the walk |
At the walk, I was talking with an Army veteran who had written a book about his experiences with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). He had served four tours of duty in combat in Iraq, 3 times during Operation Iraqi Freedom, and once during Operation Desert Storm. He said that you can never be completely cured of the symptoms and you can never totally say you are free. Therapy can help you deal with it, but the feelings will always be there and some days are better than others. While he has suffered much more than I will ever suffer due to his combat experiences, I did feel a connection to him and how this does seem like a futile fight on some days. Be it seeing your best friend killed in action or finding your loved one passed out in a garage because of CO2 poisoning, that image will stay with you forever and you can't erase it. The best thing you can do is learn to live with it.
I also met another cool individual, a local race car driver named Richie Dobson. His number 55x Chevy Monte Carlo street stock runs at BAPS Motor Speedway in York Haven, PA. His motto is "Racing For Awareness", and his main sponsor on his car is the cause of suicide prevention. His own father committed suicide a few years after my own father did so. Racing fan that I am, I took several pics of the car (very sharp machine!) and looked closely at the livery (sponsor & color scheme) on the car. Typical sponsors of local racing cars adorned the machine (like Shermans Creek Inn in Shermans Dale), but the most prominent sponsor was to raise suicide awareness, with a very moving motto..."Your Story Isn't Over Yet..Choose to Continue". Also, around the suicide awareness logo was a few names, which I found out were the names of people who have lost their battle to suicide. To raise money for AFSP, he sells space on his car for people who have lost loved ones to suicide to put their loved ones' name on the car.
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| Me with Richie Dobson, driver of the Double Nickel Motorsports 55x |
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| Tribute plate to Richie's late father on the front of the car |
Learning that was like getting hit with a ray of sunshine through clouds of grey. My dad was a huge racing fan and passed that love of the sport on to me. He used to work on a pit crew for a driver at Silver Spring Speedway and he was a huge fan of NASCAR legend Dale Earnhardt. What could be a better tribute for my dad than to put his name on an actual racing car? So, I happily paid the fee and signed his name to a list, a list that I hope does not get bigger, because I pray no one else has to go through the pain of losing someone to suicide.
Wherever my dad is, and I pray he is in heaven, I bet he was smiling.
Yeah, to some that might seem silly, but it helped a lot in lightening a heavy burden on my shoulders. Just finding a way to properly pay him tribute is a massive step down the healing road. Dobson's car is quite competitive and he is a capable driver, so it would be awesome to go to the track and cheer
him and the 55x to victory. Then I could say, my dad's name made it to victory lane.
Dad, I will love you always and forever. My prayers for you have never ceased, neither has my mourning of your loss. My only hope is that your soul is in heaven, which is God's victory lane.
Love, your little Augie, Matt.
To learn more about the AFSP, please log on to https://afsp.org/
To learn more about and follow Double Nickel Motorsports, log on to: https://www.facebook.com/DoubleNickelMotorsport/
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| Your Story Isn't Over Yet..Choose To Continue |
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