There are days we want to be a kid again...

"You set sail across the sea
Of long past thoughts and memories.
Childhood's end, your fantasies
Merge with harsh realities.
And then as the sail is hoist,
You find your eyes are growing moist.
All the fears never voiced
Say you have to make your final choice."
Pink Floyd-"Childhood's End"




This morning, I nearly had a breakdown.


I felt my heart beat out of control and it felt like my body was starting to shut down on me. I was close to calling a doctor, but after a minute or two everything started to calm down and I felt better body-wise at least. The daily pressures that squeeze us all into mental oblivion.


Do not worry for me or about me. I am fine. It is just the reality of living with anxiety. When too much water fills the river of the overwhelmed, the levee will eventually break, that is just a fact of life for me. I do my best to live with it.


On days like this, I wish I was still a child.

Sledding in my old Harrisburg neighborhood of Taylor Park, circa 1980-81

Now, don't get me wrong. I love my wife and family and friends. I would not trade them for anything. Everything happens for a reason and that is why things are the way they are for us all.
But yes, some days I wish I was still a child, but there are a few caveats I would like to add to that.
I wish I was a child with the hindsight and wisdom that I have earned with age and learning. There are so many things I wish I could do over again, looking back.


I wish that I cared more about church as a child. Knowing who God was and why He has a plan for us would have done me a world of good at that young age. I wish I would have paid attention in Sunday School more. I wish I wasn't such a practical joker in Vacation Bible School. I only went because my Mom and Aunt made me. Paying more attention would have done a great service to me, and made me more prepared for situations as I got older. Whenever I drive by old St. Paul's United Methodist in Wormleysburg, I say "I regret I didn't have more respect for you as a child."




The former St. Paul's United Methodist Church, Wormleysburg, PA. My parents were married there.

I wish I had a chance to go back to school and thank all the teachers I had in elementary, middle, and high school that taught me anything that made a difference in my life. Most of them are all probably dead, moved away, or retired now. I had some wonderful teachers who loved and cared about me and truly wanted me to succeed, but as I got older in my school years I didn't appreciate it. I thought I knew better than them. To re-unite with old teachers would be a truly wonderful thing, and I would wonder if they remembered me.


I wish I could stand up to those who pushed me around. I wish I could look them all in the eye and tell them that you are not stronger than me and I will fight back. Not standing up to my tormentors is one of my biggest regrets. It gave me an inferiority complex I still nurse to this day. How different would life have been if I punched back, or shoved back, or just plain fought back? I would have been respected and/or feared. That gives a lot of street cred in the schoolyard.

The former Herman Avenue Elementary School, Lemoyne, PA

I wish I could go back to the rainy spring days of my childhood and appreciate them more. A few weeks back, I wrote my remembrances of my first day of first grade and all the good memories of then. A chance to run around in the rain and splash in the puddles like I just don't care. Now that I am older, I miss stuff like that a lot. It was fun, it was carefree, it was crazy. Try that nowadays and people would laugh at you and point. Stop being so childish, people say.


I wish I could go back and make better decisions when it came to bad things I did as a teenager. I was a thief. I wish I could confess that sin to my priest nowadays. I regret that so much, but I was influenced by an unhealthy friendship. I carry emotional scars deep inside of me from those days and that friendship.


I wish I took better care of some of the toys I had! Some of them would be worth some serious money now!


I wish I had a chance to go back and do a lot of things differently, so yes, being a child again would be great to have a chance to re-visit events that affect my life and the lives of those around me, because you have to put up with my nonsense and a lot of my axieties and issues today were caused directly by problems with my peers. Maybe I could come back the same man, but different in knowledge and wisdom that would help make a better person.

I am too big to have fun on the swings anymore :(

Not just for that, though!


Some childhood activities were just plain fun and it would be great to do them again without having to worry about pain and being too big. As a child, I could get tackled on the football field and get right back up. Now, I twist my neck and I am in agony!


It is a shame that childhood's end has to come.