Coward, a good for nothing scapegoat
Dumb kid, living a dream
Romantic only on paper
Tell me why you took all that was mine!
Stay as you lay don't lead me astray!"
-Nightwish, "Slaying The Dreamer"
When I was a small child, I had big dreams.
We have a certain innocence when we are children, a bright and optimistic look at the world outside, and the feeling that every new day brings a challenge or a new adventure. Nothing is impossible in the eyes and mind of a child. Now, why can't we have that attitude when we are adults? What is stopping us from having that no-limit attitude?
Well, as a former child with big dreams, I can explain.
I entered kindergarten in 1981 as a 5-year old who had dreams of becoming a race car driver or an astronaut or President of the United States. I graduated from high school in 1994 as a 17-year old who had dreams that he thought had no chance in hell of being fulfilled. At some point in time during that 12-year span, my 5-year old dreams were slain. Who were the dreamslayers?
Bullies. Cliques. The "cool" crowd. The "in" crowd. They were the dreamslayers.
When I was in school, I could not figure out how anyone determined who was cool and who was uncool. Was it predestined? Was it heritage? Or both? True story: When my wife Andrea and I were looking for a house back in 2012-13, I was adamant that we did not move into the school district I grew up in because I did not want children of the kids who bullied me to give Lily a hard time, or peg her to be a loser, just because she was my daughter. It does happen. It has happened. If you gain the reputation of "loser" in school, chances are your children will be branded as well, and I did not want my daughter to suffer from my reputation. I did not want her dreams to be slain.
Did I have friends growing up? Yes, I did. Sadly, out of the group of friends I had as a child, only one of them is one I keep in contact with, and is the only one I care to keep in contact with, because they were the first friend I ever made. One of my childhood friends died from brain cancer over 10 years ago and I wept for him even though we hadn't spoken in years. Others moved away and started lives of their own. I look back at them all with fondness and love and hope that their lives are filled with happiness and joy like I have found with my own family and friends that I have now.
Yet, my circle was small. Also, given the caste system nature of kid-dom between the cool and the uncool, I was sometimes cast out by my own friends, because they were trying to establish themselves with the cool people. Looking back on it, I forgive them all, but at the time, even my friends were dreamslayers. It was very hurtful at the time, and it still causes me trust issues and questioning how true my friendships are to this day, but I hold no malice or dislike towards anyone, and I look forward to a tearful reunion with my oldest friend. If they are reading this, I love you my friend, and I cannot wait to see you again and for you to meet my family.
The things I was interested in as a child were not too much different than other boys my age: Tonka trucks, riding a bike, playing ball, sports, going on adventures in my neighborhood, and watching cartoons on Saturday morning. In other ways though, I was different. Back in my time, children were not aware of world matters, yet I would watch the news with strong interest and be interested in maps, history, and the economy. You could say I was an aware and socially conscious child before being a socially conscious and aware child was cool. Nobody else I knew was watching Tom Brokaw or Peter Jennings at 6:30 in the evening. Nowadays, I would be a pretty popular kid. Yet, back in the 1980s, other children just did not have the time of day for anything that wasn't related to cartoons, toys, video games, the latest hit record, or the latest cool trend or fashion. Because of that, I was considered a nerd, mainly because I would be so excited about what I learned from the news and wanted to share it with everyone. I have a feeling those around me found it tiresome. I also had no interest in rebelling against an authority or going against whatever my parents or teachers would say, so I was considered a "teacher's pet" and a "mama's boy". I was constantly teased about my hair, my lack of physique, my odd interests, my ineptitude in sports, and my willingness to obey parents and teachers.
As I got older, the taunting became replaced by fists. I became public enemy number one to some dude in 6th grade whom I had never met or known before in my life! What the hell? People who didn't even know me were starting to hate me. What the hell did I do? How did I piss in that guy's corn flakes? That was pretty much the routine for my middle school years, dodging bullies, running home from school, being afraid to enter certain parts of town because I was not well liked there. It's hard to hold on to the want to make your dreams come true when all around you are trying to destroy them.
Fast forward to high school, and even keeping a low-profile there did not keep me from becoming a target. Since I was never with a girl, my sexuality was questioned. I was accused of committing a lewd act on a high school field trip and fornicating with a sheep at the York Fair, and people BELIEVED IT, even though I had never even been to York at that point in my life. I was even sexually harassed. What the hell did I do to deserve this? Was this going to go on for the rest of my life? If so, bye bye dreams! Who would hire someone who was accused and "convicted" of bestiality by his peers(though I had not attended the York Fair until many years later with my fiancée)? What I would not have given for someone to reach out to me and not let the bullshit that others told them influence their thoughts, and try to be my friend. Psychologically, it all still affects me to this day, but somehow I have over come it, even though scars remain that have me doubting my wife, daughter, or my friends will even be by my side the next day. What if it is all a big trick perpetrated by those who bullied me in my youth?
Now I told you that story to tell you this one. With the rash of school violence that has been splashed across our headlines, I think it is high time to talk about this. You might not like my opinion, but as someone who grew up as a bullying victim, I have to stand up. I am not influenced by the media (I stopped watching the news a long time ago) or anyone I know. I am solely influenced by my core values and belief in God.
First off, God bless the children who participated in walkouts and marched on Washington. It warms my heart to see children follow the news and be informed unlike many of my generation at that age. Hell, if I was still going to school, I would join them. We didn't go to school to be targets for madmen, we went to be educated and see our friends. To see people call them "crisis actors" and "parts of a conspiracy" makes me want to throw up. How dare you? HOW DARE YOU? Be glad that minds are being spoken even if you don't agree with them. So, God bless them and watch over them. While I may support the 2nd amendment, I also support common sense gun control measures as I consider the safety of my daughter and the children of others more important than my right to carry an Armalite. I don't even want one.
Now, here comes the part that might make a lot of people want to hunt me down like they did in school: I also support the spirit of the message of "Walk Up, Not Out". Why? First off, I am NOT trying to blame victims. I am NOT saying that what happened in Parkland was the fault of the people who were victims. That kid was not a forlorn bullying victim, there was something not right in his mind. He was into lots of things that are not just abnormal, but also dangerous and hateful. I myself would not want to "walk up" to him. As they said in Cool Hand Luc, some men you just can't reach. Having said that, as someone who was a terminal bullying victim, I have to stand up for myself and all other victims of bullying.
I wasn't into hateful stuff as a child and never started being into it. I was bullied because I wasn't cool, and not being cool is still a social death penalty in schools. That is not right. Why do you pick on someone who doesn't have the latest fashion or the newest album or the latest generation smart phone? Did you think that maybe their parents do not have enough money? Maybe their parents are unemployed. Maybe they worry more about feeding their children than making sure that they are clothed in the latest styles. A parent's job is to make sure their child is well fed, clothed, healthy, and educated, not to make sure they have all the latest swag. So what if their parents didn't pull up to school in the newest car? Does it run? Does it get them where it needs to go? Then it's good enough, is it? No need to make Junior feel like a loser because of it. Shame on you.
I was bullied for being different. Being different is cool to me. Why should we all look the same like people marching off to work in Chairman Mao's China? When everyone wears and listens to the same thing, it isn't cool to me anymore. Not all different people are neo-Nazis in the making or wanting to shoot up their school. As someone who is one of the different and one of the outcasts, do not judge us by one lone nutcase. Try to seek out the different ones and make them your friends. Knowing interesting people is the spice of life. I love having friends who are different than I am in many ways because you learn new things. Remember, a closed mind is an empty mind!
Of course, there will always be the one outcast who can not be reached, and is in to dangerous things and is a threat to yourself and to others. Report them, do whatever it takes to get them either incarcerated or somewhere where they cannot hurt others. HOWEVER, DO NOT pigeon hole all of us who are different and who aren't run of the mill and do not have the newest gadgets or threads as someone who will pop off and start shooting people. Even in my darkest hours of being bullied and tormented, the thought never crossed my mind. If anything, I would have hurt myself as opposed to anyone else.
What troubles me the most about people who call people who are saying "Walk Up, Not Out" a bunch of heartless victim blamers who want to piss all over the graves of dead children just to protect gun rights is this: It sounds almost like you are giving a big A-OK stamp of approval to bullying and not reaching out to those who are different and those to whom a simple "Hello" or a "Good morning" or a "How are you feeling today?" would mean a world of difference. Because of the few, are you alienating the many who are different and aren't dangerous and just would like to have a friend to share their life and their interests with? That concerns me heavily, especially as a bullying victim who is still working to try and rebuild his mental life. I've heard many other people whom are victims of bullying also echo that sentiment, and are afraid to say it because they don't want to be ostracized again. We don't want to be bullying victims again in adulthood. I saw the post of one person I know share their experience yesterday, and it struck me in the heart. It inspired me to stand up and say my piece about this and be silent no more.
Yes, I want to see common sense measures to stop school violence, including certain gun control measures. Yes, I support the students speaking their minds and fighting for something they believe in as opposed to having their face buried in a smart phone. However, YES, I also support students doing whatever they can to reach out to the students who are bullied and have no friends and show them that someone cares about them. After going through the hell I went through growing up, how can I not? Yet, I will be damned if you will call ME and anyone else who has endured bullying and torture in school a victim blamer just because we want to see the bullied and the ostracized be treated with respect and kindness. Don't turn the bullied into the bully.
"We are the others,
We are the cast outs,
We're the outsiders
But you can't hide us,
We are the others,
We are the cast outs
You're not out there on your own
If you feel mistreated,
Torn and cheated,
You're not alone,
We are the others (we are the others)"
Delain-"We Are The Others"
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