Minivans are cool, dammit!

"Thank you, driver, for getting me here (too much, Magic Bus)
You'll be an inspector, have no fear (too much, Magic Bus)
I don't want to cause no fuss (too much, Magic Bus)
But can I buy your Magic Bus? (too much, Magic Bus)"
The Who-"Magic Bus"


My father was a major petrol-head and it is safe to say that it rubbed off on me.


I was playing with Matchbox and Hot Wheels cars before I could walk. If it was summer and the TV was on, a NASCAR or Indy Car race flickered off of our cheap television. My mom drove a '66 Pontiac GTO while she was pregnant with me, so I probably felt the need for speed even when I was in utero. I could spell the names Richard Petty and Cale Yarborough before I could spell cat. I had a slot car track. My dad took me go-karting and to Saturday night races at Silver Spring Speedway.


Cars were always the coolest thing to me.


However, while muscle cars, race cars, and sports cars will always be a four wheeled work of art to me, I can appreciate a good car or vehicle just for what it can do and what tasks it can accomplish.


Yes, I do enjoy regular cars.

When you work the kind of jobs that my wife and I do, where your take home pay barely takes you home, you grow to appreciate regular cars, because that is all us ham and eggers in the working classes can afford. Since we have been married our driveway has had several different cars to our name. In the last 9-10 years, it has been the same two: a silver 2009 Chevrolet Aveo, which is just a Chevy in name only as it is a rebadged Daewoo (Korean marque), and a 2006 Chevrolet HHR. We've been down the roads many miles in both of these cars and have been through good times and bad in them and planned to hold on to them as long as we could. The Aveo is still with us, and even though it's air conditioning is broken and the seat belt warning light flickers on and off EVEN WHEN I HAVE MY SEAT BELT ON, it continues to potter along 105,000 miles and counting.


But the HHR is now in car heaven, or the scrap heap. A few weeks ago, a careless driver turned into the side of the HHR while my wife was driving home from work. Andrea was OK, thank goodness, but the HHR was totaled.


I am sad that we had to say goodbye to our faithful little retro wagon, but in retrospect it was a mercy killing. While the engine was as strong as ever, the radio did not work, the mirror kept falling out of the sun-visor, and the interior did not hold up well. It was starting to look pretty worn and it was time for a change.


So, with the help of cars.com, we located a 2008 Kia Sedona minivan at Faulkner Subaru in Harrisburg. My hopes were deflated at the moment, because I wanted a fun little hatchback like a Ford Focus or Fiesta. My inner Jeremy Clarkson was depressed. A minivan. BORING! Clarkson once said that a minivan was for someone who has done their breeding and has served their biological purpose, and was now waiting to die.

However, as much as I love him, I am not Jeremy Clarkson. I have my own mind and can speak for myself, and I say I FUCKING LOVE MINIVANS!


For a middle class family like ours, a minivan is a magic bus! A party wagon! Fit up to seven of your closest family and friends in comfort. You get a cup holder, you get a cup holder, everyone gets a cup holder! Dual zone climate control, baybay! Even if you are in the back, you get your own air conditioning. I'm in a band, so for the boys and I this is a godsend. Plenty of room for us, and the back can swallow all of the gear we need! No more stuffing drums in to a small four door sedan for me, thank you very much!


One of the best things about it is the fact that unlike the HHR, you can see out of it! Acres of glass and windows that aren't restricted by gargantuan pillars. I feel like I have room to move and breathe. Plus, there is a little table between the front seats that can hold all of our food when we hit a drive-thru! The radio works! Yes!


This will be the perfect vehicle for long trips, grocery runs, band gigs, and fitting the whole gang in for an outing. Also, when you have a minivan, be prepared for people to ask you "Hey, I have this new desk, and I need to pick it up. Can I borrow your van?" Yep. If a friend has moving day, be ready because you will be volunteering. You have a van. You can carry stuff.


Sure, it's 10 years old. Sure, it's not the latest model. Sure, it doesn't have an aux jack or USB ports. Who gives a flying shit? I don't care too much about all of that tech crap anyway. I listen to CD's. I have a Garmin. Yes, tech gizmos are cool, but they can't get you there from here. Also, all newer minivans seemed to have shrunk. The ceilings are lower and they are lower to the ground. That means you can do less "van stuff" with them. Our Kia does not have this issue.


We love it, and that is all that matters, and we look forward to a long and fun relationship with our Kia Sedona. Yet, I am sad that we can't paint one of those bad ass murals on the side that vans in the 70s had. One can dream, though.


Now, who wants a ride in our magic bus?